The “I’m Good” Illusions

Practicing compassion is a key to mindfulness but what does that look like in our day to day lives?

Everyday you likely have at least one interaction that involves being asked “How Are You?” and you may likely respond with “I’m Good”. I know for me, even if I’m not “good” at that moment, an honest answer would only be uttered with who I feel is “safe” or where I feel it’s safe to do so. Most of the time, “I’m Good” is just easier than saying my honest feelings at that moment. Why? Because not everyone can hold space for “I’m experiencing difficult emotions and pain”. All that being said, my conditions for being honest about my feelings can also lead to unrealistic expectations and unhealthy cognitive beliefs such as: if I withhold my true feelings, I won’t cause them discomfort = I have control over how others feel based on my actions.

Self-Compassion can include allowing these illusions to appear for you however they do, whenever they do, without believing you need to react to them. It’s human to be considerate of the feelings of others, to be guarded, to need to feel “safe” and to fall into the following myths of these illusions.

Here are some of the illusions I myself experience and are most commonly shared by my clients:

Some People Just “handle” difficult emotions Better

The idea that you or others aren't ever affected by intense emotions and feelings is completely unrealistic. You are not practicing compassion if you’re setting and believing unrealistic expectations of yourself or others. PERIOD. Everyone, including you, experiences overwhelming and sometimes immobilizing challenging feelings and emotions that can throw you completely off!

You may believe that you and/or others are not supposed to be challenged by unpleasant feelings such as grief, sorrow, loneliness and sadness. For example, a few identities that seem to fall into this illusion include: coaches, teachers, successful entrepreneurs/influencers, wealthy individuals etc. You may perceive that they have it all and know it all; you may even be in one of those categories yourself, and assume you or they shouldn’t experience this but that would make you/them inhuman.

Believing in myths and illusions that give into this will block your ability to practice compassion on yourself and others.

You/they are always resilient

You're always in control of how you feel, how you interpret and perceive each experience - you are a perfect life form that doesn’t ever react living in perfect harmony and balance at all times.

Does that sound realistic? Do you believe that about anyone right now?

You’re human. They are human. You can react less and respond more in a calculated and controlled manner with mindfulness practices, absolutely. That doesn’t always mean you are 100% resilient to everything, all the time. Life is in a constant flux of change and things happen that you can never prepare for, be compassionate to yourself so you can also share that with others.

You/They never experience depression or anxiety

There are so many stigma’s attached to what depression and anxiety should and are supposed to look like from us. The need to categorize, label and generalize what and how they are expressed I believe is the Ego in us as humans. Having an awareness that the Ego is running us by craving things like certainty and control, can help our compassion inward and out.

Only the person present in themselves can truly know what they’re feeling and experiencing, and of course, that goes for you as well. Invite opportunities to listen to you, listen to your needs and ask for support as needed. Invite this same compassionate approach for others by showing up, providing your full attention rather than lecturing and looking for how your expectations can be met by them.

Support is always present

The illusion: You/They are always given a safe and open space from your close friends and family.  No one ever questions or judges you/them - you/they are well liked and loved always. Your/their relationships are perfect. You/they never have falling outs. Your/their boundaries are never challenged and you/they are always confident.

This can show up like a belief that you/they will have more support and never feel alone or isolated because of an individuals status, popularity, success, and whatever additional measurement you want to add to feed that belief. Ultimately, this is a belief you’ve created to likely avoid feeling alone or isolated because of the discomfort associated with it. It can also look like this towards others:

“Well this person is so popular/famous/has so many followers, they have so much support - I can’t offer them anything”

It’s counter productive in your self-compassion practices to focus on trying to live up to standards that aren’t aligned with your current life circumstances. If you have these unrealistic standards and expectations for others, it’s likely because you have them for yourself. Having “everything” materialistically doesn’t mean you have all the support you need all the time HOW you want it to show up for you.

You/They are just "luckier" than others

A confident, secure and joyful presence you or someone else shows up as doesn’t mean you or they are luckier or more fortunate that another person. That illusion that comes with beliefs like, “well they just haven’t been through trauma like me…” isn’t giving you an opportunity to be objective and present with that person or yourself. It can also be an addiction or attachment you may have to being a victim handed the “poor me” card in life.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are more opportunities, privileges and less unfortunate events that happen to some people, absolutely. Automatically assuming that you know a persons story, upbringing and experiences is what I’m referring to. In support of your own illusion, you may dismiss experiences and feelings that cause discomfort to avoid accepting you are worthy of where you are and your goals, objectives and desires in life.

I will conclude with this - pay particular attention to where you aren’t inviting compassion in for others or yourself. In intentionally observing what, how and where these illusions are showing up, you can begin releasing them so you can make room for the version of yourself you truly want.

Peace and Love,

xo

Megs